ConservativeChristianRepublican-Report - 20090710

Motivational-Inspirational-Historical-Educational-Political-Enjoyable



"Daily Motivations"

Keep your face to the sunshine and you will not see the shadows. -- Helen Keller



"Daily Devotions" (KJV and/or NLT)

"Though He was God, He did not demand and cling to His rights as God. He made himself nothing; He took the humble position of a slave and appeared in human form. And in human form He obediently humbled Himself even further by dying a criminal's death on a cross." (Philippians 2:6-8)

Can you imagine Queen Elizabeth II giving up her crown to live as a pauper? Putting aside her jewels and dressing in rags? That is unthinkable.

When God's Son, Jesus Christ, was voluntarily born in a humble manger in Bethlehem, the only people who worshipped Him were lowly shepherds. The stable must have been drafty and not very private. What kind of place was this for the Sovereign of the universe? Where were His crown and His scepter?

Jesus did not live like a king either. He became tired and hungry, was ridiculed, beaten, spit upon, humiliated. The soldiers ripped off His clothes, and He was taken to court before a cruel ruler named Herod. The crowd shouted that they wanted Him killed. All His friends ran away, afraid for their own lives. Then He was cruelly nailed to a cross in front of a jeering crowd. He could have shaken the world in defiance, but all He said was, "Forgive these people, because they don't know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34).

Jesus did this because God loves us so much. His love motivated Him to communicate His love and salvation to us. To do this effectively, He had to become one of us---to walk, talk, eat, and look like us. Just the thought of our sovereign God putting aside His magnificent glory brings me to tears.

How can we ever reach the depths of that love? How could we ever fear putting our lives into His hands?



"The Patriot Post"

"The nation which indulges towards another an habitual hatred, or an habitual fondness, is in some degree a slave. It is a slave to its animosity or to its affection, either of which is sufficient to lead it astray from its duty and its interest." -- George Washington


"First they said health care legislation would cost $1 trillion. Then they upped it to $1.6-trillion. It might as well be a made-up number like 'gazillion.' No one really comprehends the sheer tonnage of the dollars being spent. Washington's spending spree seems to be lulling everyone into a total daze. ... Focusing for the moment just on the cost, how can we afford this? The price tag for last fall's bailouts approached a trillion dollars. So did this spring's stimulus spending. And if you count the interest on the borrowed money, both initiatives will surpass that benchmark. Now here comes health care to complete the trifecta. ... Eyes glaze over at such numbers because nobody really understands what a trillion is. It's often said that people ignore what they don't understand. But we must not ignore something so gargantuan. ... Traveling at the speed of light it takes two months to cover a trillion miles. But of course you can't do that unless you're an actor in a science fiction movie. However, if you took a trillion one-dollar bills and laid them end-to-end, they would reach from the Earth to the sun. You can't do that either, because there's not that much money; the total of all the cash in America is less than $900-billion. .... What will it cost to pay back the borrowed money? Truth-in-Lending laws require that borrowers must be told the total they must repay, including interest, on a home mortgage or other major loan. Politicians exempt themselves from this requirement. But the interest alone on a trillion dollars, at a common rate such as 6%, requires paying $166 million in interest -- each and every day, perhaps in perpetuity. The scariest thing about spending new trillions is that it's no longer just a possibility. It's happened in the last year and is happening again right now. And who will be asked to pay it back? Our children and grandchildren. .... The best approach to counting to a trillion is not to try. And not to spend it either." -- former congressman Ernest Istook


"Remember that every government service, every offer of government-financed security, is paid for in the loss of personal freedom. ... In the days to come, whenever a voice is raised telling you to let the government do it, analyze very carefully to see whether the suggested service is worth the personal freedom which you must forgo in return for such service." -- Ronald Reagan



THE LAST WORD

"Are you confused by all that has changed since Pres. Barack Obama took office in January? If so, you're not alone. Perhaps, though, this handy guide to Age of Obama 'logic' might be of some assistance. .... Wanting to cut $17 billion from the budget, as President Obama has promised, is proof of financial responsibility. Borrowing $1.84 trillion this year for new programs is 'stimulus.' The old phrase 'out-of-control spending' is inoperative. ... The number of jobs theoretically saved, or created, by new government policies -- not the actual percentage of Americans out of work, or the total number of jobs lost -- is now the far better indicator of unemployment. ... Nationalizing much of the auto and financial industries, while regulating executive compensation, is an indication of our new government's repeatedly stated reluctance to interfere in the private sector. ... The media are disinterested and professional observers of the present administration. When television anchormen and senior magazine editors bow to the president, proclaim him a god, or feel tingling in the legs when he speaks, it is quite normal. ... Once we remember and accept the logic of the above, then almost everything about this Age of Obama begins to make perfect sense." -- Hoover Institution historian Victor Davis Hanson



"ADF"

Training to Win
The Power of Alliance

http://www.alliancedefensefund.org/whatwedo/training/Default.aspx

The Alliance Defense Fund is the only legal ministry in the United States that provides regular, extensive, and top-level training through an accredited academy program to help practicing attorneys successfully defend and reclaim religious freedom, the sanctity of human life, and traditional family values.

Through our National Litigation Academy (NLA) program, attorneys are trained in each of these areas of law. In return for the training, which is provided at no cost, each attorney makes a faith commitment to provide 450 hours of pro-bono time to the Body of Christ.

The Blackstone Legal Fellowship is another key element of our long-term efforts to reclaim this nation’s judicial system. Law students receive intensive training in Christian worldview principles and how they apply to the study and interpretation of law. In addition, they receive hands-on experience working with legal and public policy allies of ADF.

However, this is just the beginning. To level the playing field against such groups as the American Civil Liberties Union, which reports it has more than 2,000 volunteer attorneys, ADF must continue to recruit and train more and more attorneys, as well as mentor a new generation of young men and women who will be the defenders of religious liberty in the future.



"The Web"

DOJ Says Murtha Earmark Money Was Illicitly Distributed

By Paul Singer
Roll Call Staff

http://www.rollcall.com/news/36647-1.html

A contracting firm that had hired the brother of Rep. John Murtha (D-Pa.) as its lobbyist took the proceeds from a Murtha-provided, $8.2 million Air Force earmark and distributed hundreds of thousands of dollars to other companies represented by the Congressman’s brother for items that were not part of the project, the Justice Department charged Thursday.

The charges make no indication that the Congressman had any involvement or knowledge of the transactions.

Roll Call reported in June that Murtha used a 2005 tsunami relief bill to take away $8.2 million of government funding from a company called AEPTEC Microsystems that had severed ties with his brother’s lobbying firm and moved that money to Coherent Systems International, which had hired his brother’s firm. The lobbying firm, Rockville, Md.-based KSA Consulting, had hired Kit Murtha and Carmen Scialabba, a former Appropriations Committee staffer for Congressman.

Charging documents filed Thursday by the Justice Department in the U.S. District Court for the Northern District of Florida allege that Richard Ianieri, CEO of Coherent, paid a total of $1.8 million to other firms for items that were not part of the “Ground Mobile Gateway” project that Murtha’s earmark had funded. Ianieri is charged with one count of presenting false purchase orders to the government.

The Ground Mobile Gateway project was a mobile communications platform that could help airmen in the field better target airstrikes.

According to the Justice Department, Coherent paid $300,000 to Gensym — a Massachusetts-based company that opened an office in Murtha’s district and hired KSA as its lobbyist — for software that Coherent never used. The charges also allege that Coherent paid $275,000 to VidiaFusion, a KSA client in Florida, for software that was never used.

The Justice Department notes that both companies provided the software for which they were paid, and neither company is charged with wrongdoing.

Earlier this week, Ianieri was charged in Pennsylvania with soliciting $200,000 in kickbacks in January 2006 from a defense contractor identified only as “K.”

In Thursday’s filing, the government alleges that in December 2005, Coherent paid the Pennsylvania defense contractor Kuchera Industries $650,000 for “prototype cards” that were not part of the Ground Mobile Gateway project.

Kuchera is owned by Bill Kuchera, a friend and longtime supporter of Congressman Murtha. Coherent and Kuchera had co-located some of their operations in Pennsylvania, and Murtha had praised their close cooperation.

The government also alleges that Coherent paid $200,000 to a company called Schaller Engineering for “target tags” that were never delivered.

Richard Schaller has been charged separately with distributing the proceeds of that payment to himself and his business partners, including Mark O’Hair, the Air Force official who approved the original payment to Coherent. O’Hair has also been charged. Attorneys for O’Hair and Schaller have denied the charges, and their supporters argue that the men were attempting to build a revolutionary product for the Defense Department.

A hearing in Ianieri’s case has been scheduled for July 14 in the federal court in Pensacola, Fla., and he is expected to plead guilty to the charges.

KSA President Ken Stalder declined to comment for this article.

Murtha spokesman Matt Mazonkey called the charges disturbing and said that “if true, then the individuals and companies in question should be held accountable under the law.”



Give Terrorists Constitutional Rights, Says Obama Administration

http://www.newsmax.com/insidecover/obama_terrorist_rights/2009/07/08/233133.html?s=al&promo_code=82FF-1

WASHINGTON – US administration officials said Tuesday that terror suspects tried before military commissions can claim some constitutional rights, including protection against evidence obtained through coercion.

The commissions, Assistant Attorney General David Kris said, should only allow evidence from detainees' voluntary statements or else risk having convictions thrown out on appeal in higher courts.

"It is the administration's view that there is a serious risk that courts would hold that admission of involuntary statements of the accused in military commission proceedings is unconstitutional," Kris told the Senate Armed Services Committee in written testimony.

Adding the safeguards upholding "due process" principles in the US Constitution would help commission convictions stand up on appeal, Kris told the panel.

His comments, echoed by the Defense Department's general counsel, Jeh Johnson, reflected a debate within the administration and in Congress over how to prosecute detainees under revised rules for the controversial military tribunals.

Republican Senator John McCain questioned the Justice Department official's view, saying he was surprised to hear that terror suspects at Guantanamo, the US naval base in southern Cuba where 229 "war on terror" detainees remain, enjoyed constitutional protections.

"I did not know, nor know, of any time in American history where enemy combatants were given rights under the United States Constitution," McCain said.

The US Navy's judge advocate general, Vice Admiral Bruce McDonald, told the senators he rejected the Justice Department's opinion.

The admiral argued that the legal principle of voluntary statements from the accused made sense in ordinary criminal cases but was impractical for the military commissions, which he said were handling suspects picked up on the battlefield.

Instead, McDonald proposed a list of "considerations" to be taken into account by the presiding judge, including whether a statement was taken on the battlefield or in subsequent detention.

For detainees at the controversial prison camp facing possible prosecution, much of the evidence against them comes from "involuntary" statements in interrogations, legal analysts say.

The Senate hearing focused on a proposed bill, which McCain helped draft, that would introduce new rules for the commissions designed to make trial procedures resemble courts-martial.

In May, President Barack Obama said he would keep the military commissions set up by his predecessor, George W. Bush, to prosecute detainees at Guantanamo but pledged to reform the system.

Human rights groups sharply criticized Obama over his decision to retain the commissions and to allow for the possible indefinite detention of terror suspects.

The latest proposed changes to the commissions amounted to "tinkering," the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) said.

"The military commissions are fatally flawed and no amount of tinkering will fix them," ACLU senior legislative counsel Christopher Anders said in a statement.

"The system is set up to ensure convictions, not give defendants an impartial hearing."

One of Obama's first acts after taking office in January was to order a four-month suspension of the commissions.

Obama also promised to close the prison camp by January 2010.

At the hearing, administration officials said they were not ready to predict how many of the remaining detainees would be tried in federal courts, military commissions or held indefinitely.



Anti-abortion Democrats in Congress vow to oppose health care packages that don't exclude procedure

by Sabrina Eaton / Plain Dealer Bureau

http://www.cleveland.com/nation/index.ssf/2009/07/antiabortion_democrats_in_cong.html
Special to The Plain DealerNineteen anti-abortion Democrats in Congress, including Ohio's Steve Driehaus and Marcy Kaptur, vow to oppose any U.S. health care reform package that spends tax dollars on abortion.

WASHINGTON -- Abortion is emerging as a flashpoint in the congressional debate over health care reform.

Even though none of the reform proposals grinding through congressional committees refer to abortion, a group of anti-abortion Democrats in Congress say they're worried the controversial procedure will be covered under the legislation even if it's not specifically mentioned.

Ninteen of them, including Ohio's Marcy Kaptur and Steve Driehaus, sent a letter to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi that vowed opposition to any health care reform package that spends tax dollars on abortion.
"We cannot support any health care reform proposal unless it explicitly excludes abortion from the scope of any government-defined or subsidized health insurance plan," says the June 25 letter. "By ensuring that any health care package will not fund or require funding for abortions, we will take this controversial issue off the table so that Congress can focus on crafting a broadly supported reform package."

Pelosi has received the letter "and is reviewing it and talking with her colleagues about it," says her spokesman, Brendan Daly.

Ohio Right to Life Executive Director Mike Gonidakis applauded Kaptur and Driehaus. He said a new poll released by his group found that 67.6 percent of Ohioans want abortion to be excluded from any government-funded national insurance plan, while 19.4 percent say it should be included. The statewide survey of 824 registered voters has a 3.4 percent margin of error.

"We are pleased they are standing up for the pro-life movement," Gonidakis said of Kaptur and Driehaus. "It takes a lot of courage to buck your party leaders."

The National Women's Law Center, an abortion rights group, released its own nationwide poll of 1,000 likely voters that indicated 72 percent would be upset if Congress excludes abortion from any national health care plan. The survey, which had a 3 percent margin of error, found voters overwhelmingly want an independent medical body, rather than politicians, to determine what should be covered under a national health insurance program.

The center's Vice President Judy Waxman said that 80 percent of employer-based health insurance programs cover abortions, and predicted "people will be angry if they don't get to keep what they already have" under public health insurance. She said none of the health care reform proposals under consideration in Congress specify the procedures they would include.

Despite contrasting views on abortion, both U.S. senators from Ohio oppose including abortion coverage in any new federal health care plan, their offices said. Republican George Voinovich opposes abortion as well as government subsidies for covering abortions. Democrat Sherrod Brown backs abortion rights, but notes that current federal insurance programs don't pay for abortions, except in cases of rape, incest, and to save the life of the mother. He says those rules should apply to future federally funded health care programs.



Senior death warrants

http://www.topix.com/forum/state/ky/TGQHAHSA928OQL4IA

The actress Natasha Richardson died after falling skiing in Canada . It took eight hours to drive her to a hospital. If Canada had our healthcare she might be alive today. We now have helicopters that would have gotten her to the hospital in 30 minutes. Obama wants to have our healthcare like Canada's and England's.

In England anyone over 59 cannot receive heart repairs or stents or bypass because it is not covered as being too expensive and not needed.

I got this today and am sending it on. If Obama's plans in other areas don't scare you, this should.

Please do not let Obama sign senior death warrants.

Most of you know by now that the Senate version (at least) of the "stimulus" bill includes provisions for extensive rationing of health care for senior citizens..
The author of this part of the bill, former senator and tax evader, Tom Daschle was credited today by Bloomberg with the following statement.

Bloomberg:

Daschle says "health-care reform will not be pain free. Seniors should be more accepting of the conditions that come with age instead of treating them."

If this does not sufficiently raise your ire, just remember that Senators and Congressmen have their own healthcare plan that is first dollar or very low co-pay
which they are guaranteed the remainder of their lives and are not subject to this new law if it passes.

Please use the power of the internet to get this message out. Talk it up at the grassroots level.... We have an election coming up in one year and nine months. We have the ability to address and reverse the dangerous direction the Obama administration and it allies have begun and in the interim, we can make their lives miserable.

Lets do it! If you disagree, don't do anything.



2 men and a mediator: Can Arias help Honduras?

AP – Honduras' interim President Roberto Micheletti, left, waves as he leaves a meeting with Costa Rica's …

By JUAN CARLOS LLORCA, Associated Press Writer Juan Carlos Llorca, Associated Press Writer – 1 hr 27 mins ago
SAN JOSE, Costa Rica – Talks to resolve the leadership crisis in Honduras finally got on track Thursday, with both sides showing up at the home of Costa Rican President Oscar Arias for closed-door meetings.

Ousted Honduran president Manuel Zelaya appeared first, and left shortly before the arrival of the man who replaced him after a military coup, his former friend and political ally Roberto Micheletti.

If Zelaya offered any concessions, he wasn't talking about them. As he headed back to his hotel, Zelaya called for "the reestablishment of the state of law, democracy and the return of the president elected by the Honduran people."

Micheletti, for his part, insists that Zelaya must relinquish any claim to the presidency.

Each side was naming four representatives to keep meeting, and if that effort produces results, a face-to-face encounter was possible.

"Positions begin to soften" once two sides start talking, Arias said hopefully before the mediation sessions began.

Even getting both sides to appear in the same city was an achievement — something that hasn't happened since the leftist Zelaya surrendered under gunfire and was flown out of his country by masked soldiers on June 28.

This coup crisis has become one of the biggest tests so far for the Obama administration in Latin America.

Arias — who won his Nobel for helping Central Americans resolve their civil wars — was invited to mediate by U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. That move effectively sidelined Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, who had lent Zelaya a Venezuelan plane and other support, and cast the crisis as an epic battle between the poor and the region's "oligarchies."

President Barack Obama has framed the issue in non-ideological terms, encouraging leaders from the left and right to come together to support the institutions of democracy.

Obama has insisted that Zelaya be restored to power, but "not because we agree with him," he told an audience in Russia. "We do so because we respect the universal principle that people should choose their own leaders, whether they are leaders we agree with or not."

U.S. State Department spokesman Ian Kelly said no U.S. representatives were participating in the mediation sessions. "We are keenly interested in these talks. We want to see a good outcome that restores the democratic order in Honduras. But I just want to emphasize, this is President Arias', these are his talks."

In Honduras on Thursday, thousands of Zelaya's supporters and detractors continued marching in the streets. Pro-Zelaya forces cut off several highways, including a key southern truck route to Nicaragua and El Salvador. Backers of the Micheletti government demonstrated in the northern industrial city of San Pedro Sula and other places.

In contrast, very few people — almost all journalists — showed up at the metal security gates placed in front of Arias' home, a one-story house in a residential neighborhood of San Jose. The only guards were about two dozen unarmed tourism police wearing polo shirts.

Both Zelaya and Micheletti have said there is nothing to negotiate — that the other man can't possibly be president of Honduras. Oscar Arias also sought to dampen expectations, saying before the talks that "in two days there could be a solution or it could be that in two months there is no solution."

And Micheletti did express some optimism after his plane touched down. "We will work ceaselessly to find a successful solution to the present situation," Micheletti said, committing to "trying to solve my country's internal differences in a peaceful way."

Micheletti, a congressional leader who was named president by legislators following the coup, has already replaced his foreign minister, who caused a flap by repeatedly referring to Obama as "a little black man" and a "little black field hand."

Enrique Ortez, now replaced by Honduras' former ambassador in Washington, Roberto Flores, has been a prominent spokesman for Micheletti, arguing that the coup was legal because congress and the Supreme Court had ruled Zelaya was illegally pursuing a referendum to change the constitution.

The world has rallied behind Zelaya. The United Nations and the Organization of American States also have demanded he be returned to power, imposing or threatening sanctions and aid cuts. Venezuela said it is canceling shipments of subsidized oil, and the U.S. suspended more than $18 million in military assistance and development aid programs. No other country has recognized the interim administration.

But support for Zelaya is much less certain inside the impoverished country.

Some Zelaya supporters claim Honduras' wealthy class backed the military action because Zelaya raised the minimum wage and pushed other policies that favor the poor. Micheletti counters that Zelaya and Chavez stoked class divisions.

Before the talks began, Zelaya offered to drop his aspirations for a constitutional change that might allow him to run for another term.



"Barack, I know Abe Lincoln, and you ain't Abe Lincoln."

http://trumanstake.blogspot.com/2009/06/barack-i-know-abe-lincoln-and-you-aint.html

So I said to him, "Barack, I know Abe Lincoln, and you ain't Abe Lincoln."
You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.
You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves
Abraham Lincoln



Serenity

http://www.zootoo.com/journals_j_general/fourthingsyoucantrecover_teebone22368

Four things you can't recover:

The stone........after the throw.
The word........after it's said.
The occasion.........after it's missed.
The time.........after it's gone.

Knock, Knock I knocked at heaven's door this morning. God asked me...'My child, what can I do for you?' And I said, 'Father, please protect and bless the person reading this message.' God smiled and answered...'Request granted'.

'Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'



Handy little chart

It is easy to get discouraged when things are going bad. But we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of pain and suffering. Remember, next time your little hut is burning to the ground it just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of God. For all the negative things we have to say to ourselves, God has a positive answer for it:

YOU SAY GOD SAYS BIBLE VERSES

You say: "It's impossible" God says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)
You say: "I'm too tired" God says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)
You say: "Nobody really loves me" God says: I love you (John 3:16 & John 3:34)
You say: "I can't go on" God says: My grace is sufficient (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)
You say: "I can't figure things out" God says: I will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5-6)
You say: "I can't do it" God says: You can do all things (Philippians 4:13)
You say: "I'm not able" God says: I am able (II Corinthians 9:8)
You say: "It's not worth it" God says: It will be worth it (Roman 8:28)
You say: "I can't forgive myself" God says: I Forgive you (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: "I can't manage" God says: I will supply all your needs (Philippians 4:19)
You say: "I'm afraid" God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear (II Timothy 1:7)
You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated" God says: Cast all your cares on ME (I Peter 5:7)
You say: "I don't have enough faith" God says: I've given everyone a measure of faith (Romans 12:3)
You say: "I'm not smart enough" God says: I give you wisdom (I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: "I feel all alone" God says: I will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)



Stimulus Package

It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher. The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her 'services' on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.



"The e-mail Bag"

BELIEVE it or not, these are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 what is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 what is your emergency?

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 what is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.



My Personal Favorite!!!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!



And the winner is.....



Dispatcher: 9-1-1

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.

Darn.... I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police.